Month Four: May 2013
Wow, last month was rough. Unfortunately, this month is going to be slightly more difficult. While I feel a bit stronger and am able to marginally take better care of myself, I find that my mental awareness is much better and I have been noticing things that are just unacceptable and cannot go without my attention and action. The way I have been treated and manipulated during my life's weakest moments is quite unacceptable. To discover that someone you trusted and relied upon to help you through has really been manipulating your thoughts and using you to their advantage is appalling. I find that I am ashamed that I trusted this person to do the right thing simply because I needed help and wanted to believe they would be there for me when I know better based upon a lifetime of the same treatment. As my head has cleared up, I can see what is really going on around me with fresh eyes. I have to now move back out on my own and cut the cord, yet again. Last month was the toughest month of all the past two years because I am acutely aware of what is going on around me and I'm too strong of a woman to sit back and continue to let this happen as I believe it's hurting me...my psyche, my health and potentially other relationships in my life. Tragic.
What hurt me the most about HP was that they took advantage of those who were unable to stand up for themselves. This has been my biggest motivator to suing the school, to be the voice of those who've been hurt and cannot stand up for themselves due to their socio-economic and/or residential status. And here I am, waking up to find I let myself get into this same situation. I am standing up now for myself. I know it will be a struggle. However, the struggles of doing this on my own far out weigh blindly relying upon someone I thought I could lean on for support.
April was a big month for me...I started to really see what was going on and what I was doing. I clearly was hoping things were different than they were. I wanted to believe this person was different than they are. Of all the lessons I have learned this month, accepting what/who things/people really are and not what I want them to be is truly a key lesson in life. Glad I learned it and I hope it's a lesson that finally sticks.
Anyway, enough about this crazy business. Let us look upon the good stuff and rejoice what the Lord has given. I have some fabulous friends and an absolutely amazing boyfriend and his wonderful family. I'm alive and more grateful than ever to have what little health I still do have. I can think straight more often than not. I have a loving dog who is precious and loves me no matter what. I have enough money to take care of most of my basic needs. While I often feel homeless, I have safe, warm places to lay my head at night to rest. I still have the Gerson Therapy and it does work. I see more of myself every day...I'm still loving and caring, but I am a strong, resourceful woman who can take care of business when I must. God has truly blessed me.
This month my goals are to stick with the supplements, make better food choices when I'm out and be a bit cleaner. I don't always bathe myself as much as I should and I don't think that's helping...mentally or physically. Maybe just admitting that last one will be the embarrassing fire under my butt that I needed. Whoops! I have all the excuses in the world, but if I want this all to work I need to stop making excuses and muster up whatever energy and strength I need to "just do it"!
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I don't know how I forgot this, but I have noticed a major change in my health and it's really weird. I truly have no explanation for this but my arms and legs have been tingling and going numb regularly...not just during certain times of the day or during certain positions or activities. I really am clueless and since it comes and goes I forgot about it for the most part. Its been going on for a while but I guess I never really noticed it as a potential issue until the last couple of weeks. I really need to look into this. Since I have no idea if this is related or not to the whole mold issue at work, I don't think I can go see Dr, Barri for it.
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I don't feel good. Rough week of feeling like crap. Then, got a cold and now that's a bit rough. Kevin has a cold too...we both are dealing with sore throats. Crud.
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A new week. Whew. Well, I did my best to do my therapy and I think it went well. I have a bad headache tonight but am so proud of myself. Imagine what I can accomplish in my future home without stress. I can hardly wait.
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Sometimes things go your way, sometimes they don't. I'm mature enough now to accept this as a major part of life...I have control only upon my reactions.
My weird tingly, numbness, arms going to sleep business has only been getting worse. So, naturally I went to the doctor to let them know about this major development. I went to the wrong doctor. Now I have to go back in a week, oh joy. Anyway, while I was there I didn't want to feel like I had wasted my time, so I discussed the fact that I didn't really feel like the tramadol was helpful in actually ridding the headaches, but more of making me not care that I had a headache and then kind of zoned out of life. I was given Topomax to try...big mistake. I was so dizzy, up all night (after a solid 2 hours of sleep) and was loo-loo all day. Thankfully I had my treatments to occupy my time and a bunch of nothing else to do today. It's mostly worn off, but I don't think I will be making that mistake again.
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Important note...Gerson Therapy is pretty good about noting not to go around people who are ill to avoid getting sick. I got a cold, and it wasn't too bad. I managed to get through it and then just as I was on the backside of the cold one of the gnarliest sinus infections I've had in a long while snuck up in it's place. What a mess. I'm back on meds. I've been taking Tylenol PM, Benadryl, Tramadol, colloidial silver, sinus rinse, garlic oil in the ears and enough cough drops, popsicles and lemon/lime soda to feed a small village in Africa.
Well, that's about it for the update. Resting and trying to recover. I'm not home so I won't really be doing juicing or the treatments until Monday...just supplements and trying not to eat too badly.
I don't know where I got sick from, but it happens. I really should be far more careful.
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I am SO glad that I finally broke down and took the medication. I finally slept, and really well at that. I think I got about 10 hours of sleep last night, then went to breakfast and came back and slept another few hours. Went for lunch and could literally fall back asleep...but I'm trying to stay up just a little bit so I can be sure to sleep tonight.
I'm going to talk with my future roommate and see if it's still an option to move in early. Mom got a new roommate and apparently he's moving in today...way last minute. She showed him the room yesterday. I hope this isn't another one of her desperate for a roommate so I picked anybody kind of decisions. Although, I really fear that it is. Anyhow. Now that I have to unload the fridge of my food, which I just bought for the entire week, I will do my best to make as many green bags as possible for this week but I foresee that my therapy will be suffering greatly between now and whenever it is that I do finally move...and if I can lessen that time then it may mean I am back on track even sooner.
The other option is to just pack and survive until I move. This would allow me to save some money and really it's just one more week...a total of 33 days until moving day anyway.
My biggest hindrance to moving early is simply the money aspect. I have enough money for the rest of the month for food, gas, June prorated rent and a few small incidentals. I think I could manage if I had to pay an extra week or two of rent, but it would be a bit tighter than I had planned. I need to think about this. Until then, I will wait to send my prorated rent check a few extra days so I can think about this and make a decision.
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Dang, I haven't been doing so hot. Just when I thought I was gonna kick that cold it turned into a gnarly sinus infection....which I'm still dealing with.
Today I went to my appointment with Dr. Barri and met with Dr. Hunter. She's referring me to the neurologist for the numbness and tingling in my arms and legs, which I already know is going to be denied but I figured it would be best to get it documented. Besides, maybe she had an idea about what could be causing it that I hadn't thought of yet.
The Office Manager, Kimya, proceeded to tell me I couldn't come in to see Samantha for medications or see Dr. Barri anymore even though Dr. Barri told me exactly that. Such a weird conversation...I was medicated and out to lunch cuz I took benadryl for a major case of the itchies that morning. I emailed Dr. Barri and he said he would take care of it. I also called Dr. Gilberg's office and was told he sent his final report in November...so I had it refaxed over to Mr. Bohm's office and will call Monday to confirm it's receipt and to make an appointment to meet with my attorney and find out what to expect and what I need to do.
I have about 3 weeks until I move. So I mostly just do what I can to get by, especially since this partial treatment doesn't really help me too much and I have noticed a serious decline in my overall health, headaches and the increased use of more medication. Honestly, it would just be easier to take the medication, but I truly would like to be lucid and more functional for Kevin. I don't want him to see me drooling on myself or not able to walk my dog. I love him and I want to be with him, not a burden to him. Also, it feels so great on those good days...it's unbelievable how good I feel on those good days, even though if I compared them to non-sick good days they would be kind of crummy, but compared to the last couple of years its amazing. I love those days and hope I have more this week as well.
Well, I think things are finally wrapping up. Okay, they aren't. But I do see that I am more accepting and comfortable with the insanity of dealing with Worker's Comp stuff. I can pay my bills and buy myself food. Soon I will be moving and will be able to calmly work on my rest and healing without the constant stress of walking on eggshells. I think things are doing okay.
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The week started out pretty well. I got home after taking the weekend mostly off (took supps, did 1 enema each day and didn't eat too badly). Felt pretty good and decided to continue with the trend this week. First two days were pretty darn good. Fell off on the 3rd day and today I feel like crap and had to deal with a mild migraine all day. That was terrible. It's one thing to stay home and have a chill day because you want to, quite another to to have to do it because you feel crummy.
I stayed at Kevin's all day and rested with Bailey. It was nice because my mom didn't stop in, turn on all the lights and insist on talking endlessly until her break was over. I often just need long periods of time alone and I really got that today. So in that regard, it was quite nice. Not bad for a day of crummy head pain and light sensitivity. Heck, I even got a few spurts of energy in which I spend wisely cleaning in the dark.
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I realize that I had 2.5 days of feeling pretty good and that's a major improvement. I also have been trying to keep a close eye on the swelling and rashes. I have noticed that when I take the tramadol I do get that horrible rash on my middle finger. I did get some swelling this week, but not really until I felt crappy...and I don't know if that is related to what I ate or the meds. Interesting. It would be a terrible thought that my meds are making me sicker...not unheard of since I often get other side effects from medicine, but I cannot believe I didn't think of it sooner.
Anyway, I got a few days of rest and meds. Today my head has a lot of pressure, occasional headaches but overall I have about 65% focus and most of my energy. So, I would say I'm having another great day. I went shopping with Kevin's sister and this afternoon Kevin and I are going to church. I'm looking forward to a few productive days this holiday weekend =)
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Snap. This sinus infection is really coming back and hard. Fortunately, it's a 3-day holiday weekend. Note the sarcasm!!!! My face hurts and everything is crazy loud right now. I honestly tried getting the antibiotics but there is utter chaos at the doctor's office due to a rude and unprofessional, control-freak office manager named Kimya. What a bitch. She was so rude. Sadly, she seems to think I can wait until Tuesday to hear from her and then they will mail my antibiotics. I am doing my best right now, but I think this is going to turn in to another nightmarishly expensive trip to the ER. Dang it. I cannot afford to go to the ER!
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I basically took the last week off of the Gerson Therapy. I do think I had more energy, but likely only the energy that was drained from the enemas. Honestly, I would stay off if I wasn't so constipated and feeling like I gained 15 lbs in a few days. Today I did the enemas (3 of them anyway) and most of the supplements plus the breakfast I'm supposed to eat and a healthy dinner...lunch was a bit of a bust as I went to Del Taco. I do feel pretty decent today. I think I lost 10lbs just from the enemas alone today. I really think I need to do a Castor Oil treatment, but I just wasn't brave enough today. Perhaps tomorrow.
I didn't hear from the Office Manager at my Dr's office today. I'm not really surprised at all but I wanted to give her the benefit of doing what she said she would. I will be sure to call the office tomorrow morning and see if she has changed her mind yet about allowing me to obtain my prescriptions. It's such a petty thing for her to use all of her "power" so needlessly. I need to go through her to get what I need...and she's sure that I know it. I hope she calms down, but I doubt the email that I sent to Dr. Barri and cc'd her on didn't really help. I've tried so hard to be nice, accept graciously whatever kindness or professionalism (even when she doesn't actually show it, I pretend she has). But I have had enough and need some help from Dr. Barri...I feel he is using a hands off approach that just isn't helping. I really don't know what to do at this point. I can only pray.
I have gone on more bike rides lately...3 in this past week. Yesterday's didn't go very well as I had a bit of a spill and am a little bruised. I look forward to another soon. Tomorrow Kevin and I don't have time as we are beginning a 7-week workshop at church about identifying and helping children who've been traumatized. I think this will be great if I return to the classroom, but will be perfect if I hope to one day adopt or foster children.
Well, I'm going to close this tonight by including that Kevin and I have begun morning Bible Study and it's going very well. I've also began (and reread the few pages I already read) a book about being a more Godly Woman. It's quite nice and I'm considering starting a blog about that...like a Bible Study journal but available for all interested to read.
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Finally got that prescription problem taken care of. Tomorrow I pick up my antibiotics from the pharmacy at Costco (takes too much time to get it mailed through the Dr's pharmacy and is under $6 at Costco).
Also, I keep forgetting to mention that I am still having some weird feelings in the bottoms of my feet fairly regularly. Its not quite as sensitive or sore as it was before, but definitely a sore, kind of dull feeling that is pretty regular. I mostly feel it in the evenings but when I am resting during the day or sitting anywhere I can notice it. I hope this isn't a forever feeling.
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I don't feel good. Rough week of feeling like crap. Then, got a cold and now that's a bit rough. Kevin has a cold too...we both are dealing with sore throats. Crud.
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A new week. Whew. Well, I did my best to do my therapy and I think it went well. I have a bad headache tonight but am so proud of myself. Imagine what I can accomplish in my future home without stress. I can hardly wait.
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Sometimes things go your way, sometimes they don't. I'm mature enough now to accept this as a major part of life...I have control only upon my reactions.
My weird tingly, numbness, arms going to sleep business has only been getting worse. So, naturally I went to the doctor to let them know about this major development. I went to the wrong doctor. Now I have to go back in a week, oh joy. Anyway, while I was there I didn't want to feel like I had wasted my time, so I discussed the fact that I didn't really feel like the tramadol was helpful in actually ridding the headaches, but more of making me not care that I had a headache and then kind of zoned out of life. I was given Topomax to try...big mistake. I was so dizzy, up all night (after a solid 2 hours of sleep) and was loo-loo all day. Thankfully I had my treatments to occupy my time and a bunch of nothing else to do today. It's mostly worn off, but I don't think I will be making that mistake again.
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Important note...Gerson Therapy is pretty good about noting not to go around people who are ill to avoid getting sick. I got a cold, and it wasn't too bad. I managed to get through it and then just as I was on the backside of the cold one of the gnarliest sinus infections I've had in a long while snuck up in it's place. What a mess. I'm back on meds. I've been taking Tylenol PM, Benadryl, Tramadol, colloidial silver, sinus rinse, garlic oil in the ears and enough cough drops, popsicles and lemon/lime soda to feed a small village in Africa.
Well, that's about it for the update. Resting and trying to recover. I'm not home so I won't really be doing juicing or the treatments until Monday...just supplements and trying not to eat too badly.
I don't know where I got sick from, but it happens. I really should be far more careful.
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I am SO glad that I finally broke down and took the medication. I finally slept, and really well at that. I think I got about 10 hours of sleep last night, then went to breakfast and came back and slept another few hours. Went for lunch and could literally fall back asleep...but I'm trying to stay up just a little bit so I can be sure to sleep tonight.
I'm going to talk with my future roommate and see if it's still an option to move in early. Mom got a new roommate and apparently he's moving in today...way last minute. She showed him the room yesterday. I hope this isn't another one of her desperate for a roommate so I picked anybody kind of decisions. Although, I really fear that it is. Anyhow. Now that I have to unload the fridge of my food, which I just bought for the entire week, I will do my best to make as many green bags as possible for this week but I foresee that my therapy will be suffering greatly between now and whenever it is that I do finally move...and if I can lessen that time then it may mean I am back on track even sooner.
The other option is to just pack and survive until I move. This would allow me to save some money and really it's just one more week...a total of 33 days until moving day anyway.
My biggest hindrance to moving early is simply the money aspect. I have enough money for the rest of the month for food, gas, June prorated rent and a few small incidentals. I think I could manage if I had to pay an extra week or two of rent, but it would be a bit tighter than I had planned. I need to think about this. Until then, I will wait to send my prorated rent check a few extra days so I can think about this and make a decision.
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Dang, I haven't been doing so hot. Just when I thought I was gonna kick that cold it turned into a gnarly sinus infection....which I'm still dealing with.
Today I went to my appointment with Dr. Barri and met with Dr. Hunter. She's referring me to the neurologist for the numbness and tingling in my arms and legs, which I already know is going to be denied but I figured it would be best to get it documented. Besides, maybe she had an idea about what could be causing it that I hadn't thought of yet.
The Office Manager, Kimya, proceeded to tell me I couldn't come in to see Samantha for medications or see Dr. Barri anymore even though Dr. Barri told me exactly that. Such a weird conversation...I was medicated and out to lunch cuz I took benadryl for a major case of the itchies that morning. I emailed Dr. Barri and he said he would take care of it. I also called Dr. Gilberg's office and was told he sent his final report in November...so I had it refaxed over to Mr. Bohm's office and will call Monday to confirm it's receipt and to make an appointment to meet with my attorney and find out what to expect and what I need to do.
I have about 3 weeks until I move. So I mostly just do what I can to get by, especially since this partial treatment doesn't really help me too much and I have noticed a serious decline in my overall health, headaches and the increased use of more medication. Honestly, it would just be easier to take the medication, but I truly would like to be lucid and more functional for Kevin. I don't want him to see me drooling on myself or not able to walk my dog. I love him and I want to be with him, not a burden to him. Also, it feels so great on those good days...it's unbelievable how good I feel on those good days, even though if I compared them to non-sick good days they would be kind of crummy, but compared to the last couple of years its amazing. I love those days and hope I have more this week as well.
Well, I think things are finally wrapping up. Okay, they aren't. But I do see that I am more accepting and comfortable with the insanity of dealing with Worker's Comp stuff. I can pay my bills and buy myself food. Soon I will be moving and will be able to calmly work on my rest and healing without the constant stress of walking on eggshells. I think things are doing okay.
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The week started out pretty well. I got home after taking the weekend mostly off (took supps, did 1 enema each day and didn't eat too badly). Felt pretty good and decided to continue with the trend this week. First two days were pretty darn good. Fell off on the 3rd day and today I feel like crap and had to deal with a mild migraine all day. That was terrible. It's one thing to stay home and have a chill day because you want to, quite another to to have to do it because you feel crummy.
I stayed at Kevin's all day and rested with Bailey. It was nice because my mom didn't stop in, turn on all the lights and insist on talking endlessly until her break was over. I often just need long periods of time alone and I really got that today. So in that regard, it was quite nice. Not bad for a day of crummy head pain and light sensitivity. Heck, I even got a few spurts of energy in which I spend wisely cleaning in the dark.
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I realize that I had 2.5 days of feeling pretty good and that's a major improvement. I also have been trying to keep a close eye on the swelling and rashes. I have noticed that when I take the tramadol I do get that horrible rash on my middle finger. I did get some swelling this week, but not really until I felt crappy...and I don't know if that is related to what I ate or the meds. Interesting. It would be a terrible thought that my meds are making me sicker...not unheard of since I often get other side effects from medicine, but I cannot believe I didn't think of it sooner.
Anyway, I got a few days of rest and meds. Today my head has a lot of pressure, occasional headaches but overall I have about 65% focus and most of my energy. So, I would say I'm having another great day. I went shopping with Kevin's sister and this afternoon Kevin and I are going to church. I'm looking forward to a few productive days this holiday weekend =)
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Snap. This sinus infection is really coming back and hard. Fortunately, it's a 3-day holiday weekend. Note the sarcasm!!!! My face hurts and everything is crazy loud right now. I honestly tried getting the antibiotics but there is utter chaos at the doctor's office due to a rude and unprofessional, control-freak office manager named Kimya. What a bitch. She was so rude. Sadly, she seems to think I can wait until Tuesday to hear from her and then they will mail my antibiotics. I am doing my best right now, but I think this is going to turn in to another nightmarishly expensive trip to the ER. Dang it. I cannot afford to go to the ER!
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I basically took the last week off of the Gerson Therapy. I do think I had more energy, but likely only the energy that was drained from the enemas. Honestly, I would stay off if I wasn't so constipated and feeling like I gained 15 lbs in a few days. Today I did the enemas (3 of them anyway) and most of the supplements plus the breakfast I'm supposed to eat and a healthy dinner...lunch was a bit of a bust as I went to Del Taco. I do feel pretty decent today. I think I lost 10lbs just from the enemas alone today. I really think I need to do a Castor Oil treatment, but I just wasn't brave enough today. Perhaps tomorrow.
I didn't hear from the Office Manager at my Dr's office today. I'm not really surprised at all but I wanted to give her the benefit of doing what she said she would. I will be sure to call the office tomorrow morning and see if she has changed her mind yet about allowing me to obtain my prescriptions. It's such a petty thing for her to use all of her "power" so needlessly. I need to go through her to get what I need...and she's sure that I know it. I hope she calms down, but I doubt the email that I sent to Dr. Barri and cc'd her on didn't really help. I've tried so hard to be nice, accept graciously whatever kindness or professionalism (even when she doesn't actually show it, I pretend she has). But I have had enough and need some help from Dr. Barri...I feel he is using a hands off approach that just isn't helping. I really don't know what to do at this point. I can only pray.
I have gone on more bike rides lately...3 in this past week. Yesterday's didn't go very well as I had a bit of a spill and am a little bruised. I look forward to another soon. Tomorrow Kevin and I don't have time as we are beginning a 7-week workshop at church about identifying and helping children who've been traumatized. I think this will be great if I return to the classroom, but will be perfect if I hope to one day adopt or foster children.
Well, I'm going to close this tonight by including that Kevin and I have begun morning Bible Study and it's going very well. I've also began (and reread the few pages I already read) a book about being a more Godly Woman. It's quite nice and I'm considering starting a blog about that...like a Bible Study journal but available for all interested to read.
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Finally got that prescription problem taken care of. Tomorrow I pick up my antibiotics from the pharmacy at Costco (takes too much time to get it mailed through the Dr's pharmacy and is under $6 at Costco).
Also, I keep forgetting to mention that I am still having some weird feelings in the bottoms of my feet fairly regularly. Its not quite as sensitive or sore as it was before, but definitely a sore, kind of dull feeling that is pretty regular. I mostly feel it in the evenings but when I am resting during the day or sitting anywhere I can notice it. I hope this isn't a forever feeling.
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