MONTH TWO
Well, today...what can I say? I survived my first month only to welcome March with being behind on the supplements and then having a small piece of beef and cod for lunch and a little salt on that nearly mooing cow. It was SO yummy! I don't really feel so guilty about the animal protein, but I'm hoping that the salt doesn't come back to bite me...at least not while Kevin is here. Also, I've really only had like 3 juices all day.
On the very opposite upside, I have 4 of the applicants coming tomorrow through Monday for a trial run. I want to be sure it's a good fit for myself and for them. I think this could be the best option...plus, I like them all and just can't decide. I pray for clarity!
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I decided that since I've been busy and losing some interest in reporting to this blog so frequently, this month I will begin the Monthly Blog vs. the Weekly. I'm sure no one minds.
Anyway, I've noticed some improvements in my headaches and abilities to focus and recall/remember information. I'm still having occasional issues, but overall I have improved. I have not had any pain meds in 8 weeks, and it's been about a week or so since I've even taken an advil. I do still have some of these issues but am able to accept them better and seem to be able to handle more pain than before...as if my tolerance for pain had simply lowered over the past year or so (not to say that the pain wasn't severe and was very much real), but I surely don't miss it. I'm also having bouts of just feeling crummy and dizzy. I'm having fevers here and there and some symptoms indicating that this therapy is working: sinus issues, throat tightening up again, ongoing battle with what feels like a sinus infection with pressure.
I've really pushed myself and it's been a serious challenge to get enough rest lately. I have been dating someone seriously, which is the most normal thing in my life. I really care about him and wish to spend lots of time with him. Lately I've just been wanting to force myself to go-go-go even though I know I will have to pay later. I think it's worth it. I can rest during the day while he's at work. LOL
Also, the new caregiver is really working out well. She's here about 11:00 A.M. to 3:00 P.M. M-F and just in those 4 hours she helps me keep on track by giving me reminders of my schedule, prepping all juices and foods, prepping the coffee concentrate, walking my doggy and even with household chores that I often can't complete...like today, she did all of my laundry! It's all washed, dried and folded!!!! Its been a long while since I was able to start such a project and finish it completely before being so wiped. She is a true blessing. It also helps that she's rather pleasant and enjoyable to be around.
Today I began the 2nd weight loss challenge with Herbalife. I'm already at 247...that's over 3 lbs down from last week. It really does help me to keep my mind focused on something other than this therapy...genius idea, if I do say so myself.
Tomorrow is the end of Week 8. I've implemented a little bit more into my diet. I had a little issue yesterday and ended up having some food from El Pollo Loco (hey, Chic Fil-A was across the street, so I think I made the better of the choices) but wound up with a gnarly case of the Ds by the time I got home. Too soon for that one...noted. Well, I will start eating a bit more chicken and fish, but I will likely make it at home.
This morning Kevin told me he wanted to eat more like me. It's was nice. I think he genuinely wants to eat better but its so nice to have someone supportive to go along with this with me. I don't think he knows what all it meant to me, but it was pretty huge =D
Well, tonight I'm planning to go back to his house. The morning traffic is almost too much for me to handle so I'm checking out other options. Tonight I will attempt to take the Metrolink Train down to his house and he will pick me up from the station. I think it's going to be a good thing...but I need to be sure before I buy a multi-ride pass.
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I find myself in the middle of Week 9. It's not been easy. I want to spend all of my time with my boyfriend, living. I don't want to say no when he asks simple things like to go for a walk with him or anything. He's very supportive, but I know that doesn't seem like he's asking much at all. I've not been getting nearly enough rest, not enough juice if any at all, fewer enemas and even started implementing some other items to my diet. I'm thankful I haven't had much of a negative reaction to the addition to the yogurt, eggs, fish and chicken. However, otherwise, I started to get headaches again, the vertigo has returned like crazy, I'm having trouble focusing and I just feel like crap overall. On the "upside" my cycle finally started. I think the relaxing of the therapy has allowed it to start which it obviously tried 11 days ago and after spotting just quit. I'm hating life now, more than usual and feel like I better really pump the juice in today.
I'm out of groceries. I didn't make it to Farmer's Market and the local grocery stores don't have everything that I need for the week and what they do have is very expensive. I kind of want to just go back to sleep. LOL, as if it were that easy. Jessica will be here in 2 hours and I need to be back with the groceries by then. After then I can rest and let her help me to get back on track. Fortunately, I did mostly stay on top of the supplements. I'm not sure if that actually helps. Reminder: don't take the niacin during your cycle (or any other type of bleeding).
Another issue I've been having to deal with is the stress of my mother. I love her. But she's not really so supportive unless it benefits her. She will make a juice, only after complaining that she has to make it and use the last of my groceries so she can have juice...not so much because I need juice. She makes a mess and then gets mad when I couldn't and/or wouldn't clean it. That was a fun conversation this morning as I'm leaving the restroom about how our poor roommate had to use the kitchen and it was so filthy that she could barely get her food prepared for the day. Uh, it was a tragic mess yesterday when I returned from Kevin's house (it was spotless the night before) and then I managed to get a fair chunk of it done when I was forcing myself to cook her some dinner. This is a never ending shit storm with this woman. I cannot wait to feel better and go back out on my own. Now that I can think more clearly (in general, obviously not today) I really don't think I can let her live with me and my family when she's elderly. I can't do that to them. I wouldn't want to inflict that on them, and I certainly don't want her to be influencing my children in a negative way in which they might think it's acceptable to be self serving constantly and always looking out for self above all else.
There's a very real possibility that Mom is getting a new job and we will be moving. It's a bit stressful but I'm trying not to stress too badly about it. I do need to go through my belongings and rid, store or pack it...but there is plenty of time for that. She keeps bringing up how I need to get rid of all of my stuff. I really don't think it's amusing at all. I think she's being serious. To top it off, even though she would make 3x what she's making here and get a free apartment, she wants to get a roommate there as well...so I "get" to share a room with her again. I put my foot down and told her that I wanted that room and she actually asked me why she should give it to me when she could make money from it! Then, later she comes up with the idea of Kevin and I renting that room from her instead of us moving out together. Let's think about this. Yes, we would save lots of money on rent and utilities. However, we would live with her walking on eggshells (fortunately, Kevin hasn't experienced this yet...I hope he never does, but I know better to think it won't happen), she wants to keep me near her always so she can hang out or unload onto me and I will just have to take it, she will have to get her own cooking items (pots and pans, knives, juicers, etc.) and she'd have to stand on her own without leaning on me. Seems to me like she's the one who would benefit from me sticking around while taking my money and stressing me the fuck out. No thank you. I may not be able to take care of myself very well right now, but imagine how much more energy I would have to take care of myself if I didn't have to take care of her? I bet I could heal even faster.
I think she's mad at me today because last night I told her I didn't want Kevin to have to deal with having to walk on eggshells around her not knowing when she would freak out. This might be the additional cause of her keeping the kitchen a mess and yelling at me about it. She knows I'm right about dealing with her. I'm hoping she is thinking seriously about returning to CR because she's been slipping downhill like crazy. I wonder if they have a group for accepting personal responsibility or if it just happens during recovery. Maybe I can send over a suggestion...if they did, I bet that program would fill up too fast!
Eh, I'm done complaining. I need to try to drive myself to the store now. Hope you have a good day. Sorry that I haven't really been writing too much. I've hardly been getting by.
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March 19th...
It's been a tough month. Mostly it's been a challenge to adhere to the therapy and adjust to having a life and wanting to do more. I'm trying to get enough rest, eat well, take my supplements and do the enemas. So far I'd say I'm doing well but not perfectly. For instance, I am having a little processed foods and salt here and there. I'm also getting roughly 6 hrs of sleep a light, completing 3-4 enemas most days (some days like a weekend I do 1-2) and I usually take my supplements unless I forget them and that usually means I don't take the last set before bed time. I am trying to rest during the day, but I have so much to catch up on and I'm falling behind on everything. I am beginning to have issues with headaches, extreme dizziness and occasional bloating here and there with a little bit of lessening of the brain function. All and all, still better than it was, but I don't want to let it slip back to how bad it was before...what a nightmare. Also, I'm exercising a bit more than I should, but I really want to and I have a hard time telling Kevin I can't (especially because I clearly have some energy and want to go). He never got around to reading the book. I guess I was only a little disappointed because I thought if he read it then I wouldn't have to speak up and say 'no' when he asks me to do certain things. I did start speaking up and he's really kind, loving and supportive. He totally gets it and I just need to make sure I tell him these things.
Last night we went to a show and saw Fort Lean open for The Joy Formidable. Wanna know something extra awesome? Well, the second bad wasn't so great, but the loud music and flashing lights which were bad enough to cause a serious seizure didn't cause a headache. It was annoying to me, but I think it was because they were just annoying, loud and bright...but not because it was causing a serious reaction. We didn't stay the whole time, but it was certainly long enough for me to use it as a test and notice a serious improvement in that area of my health in which certain lights and noises were causing (or amplifying) severe, painful reactions. So, it was good. Plus, Fort Lean was really cool and I look forward to hearing more from that band.
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Good morning! I'm feeling much better today. I was so exhausted yesterday (today is 3/20) that I think I fell asleep around 4 PM and woke up at 4:45 AM with waking only to go to the restroom and try to take some supplements. I could tell I urinated much more yesterday than I have in several weeks. I think I need to be more mindful to rest and get in enough juice...that is was will detox my body after all...that, and the enemas. It was quite hard to do the enemas yesterday as my hemorrhoids and anus were getting quite irritated from the castor oil treatment the day prior. Today they are feeling much better, just in time for another castor oil treatment. At least I am feeling well rested and ready to take on the castor oil challenge! In fact, if all goes well today, I plan to stop by JC Penney to pick up a new outfit that I ordered online (and was too cheap to have shipped to the house) and maybe even go to the salon to get my hair done. I've been thinking about a shorter haircut. Kevin doesn't seem to care much and I need something more manageable. I mean, I haven't really even been brushing it most mornings and just keep it tied back. Maybe if I get a cute bob style I will be more likely to take care of it...it really won't require much effort, mostly just a wash, comb and quick blow dry and I can be off for the day. I do find that I am sick of this color. I wish I still had my blonde hair, or at least dyed it back before beginning the treatment. I am dangerously close to just going to have it done, at least in the front so that I can look like myself. I know I really wanted to let it be natural and all, but this is just too much. It is growing in lighter and the ends that need to be cut off are lightening very quickly, but the middle section is still pretty dark from the brown color I picked in September. I think dying my hair brown was one of those "seemed like a good idea at the time" moments. I'm so over it now and Spring is here...I want pretty hair again. Something that makes me want to smile when I look in the mirror. Maybe I'm just being wishy washy and should suck it up a bit longer. It won't take too long and it will have been grown out. I am interested in knowing what color my hair naturally is now. It's weird to think that I've been highlighting and dying it since I was in my early teens. LOL Wouldn't it be a crack up if it grows out to be just as blonde as I kept lightening it to be? What a waste of money that would turn out to be all those years. LOL!
This week I'm trying to get enough rest and eat better. I found a few times in the past week that I have grabbed a ham & cheese croissant from the donut shop at the train station. It was nice because I was way late to get home and was pretty hungry, but it would be better for me if I avoided doing that. I ended up blowing back up to 254lbs, which is 6.5lbs higher than I was prior to the beginning of my cycle.
Oh, actually I just weighed myself and am now down to 250lbs...so it's not so bad. I have to remember to wait a few minutes to weigh myself after using the restroom. I really don't know why, but it appears that weighing myself immediately afterwards causes a bump up (which you would assume it would be an immediate decline) and then after a few minutes it drops down. Weird, huh? Guess it helps to pay attention to such things =) The castor oil hasn't really kicked in just yet, but I suspect later this morning I will weigh even less. LOL
Tonight, I hope to surprise Kevin in my new outfit and a new hair style. He's picking me up from the train station and we're going bowling and to dinner. I will try my best to stick with the diet, even if it's just a baked potato with herbs. I'm still not used to going out and forcing myself to be so picky about what I am ordering...asking for modifications to what they have to offer is rather difficult for me. I need to be strong and remember how important this is to me and my overall health. It certainly is better for me in the long run to stick with this. Having better health will mean not just having a better life for myself, but my future kids and even husband (I think it might be Kevin one day, but since it's only been a few weeks I don't want to jinx it). They deserve the best from me and I want to be able to give that to them.
I haven't heard yet about the job my mom applied for. A lot is pending per the phone call and job offer. One idea Mom had was to get a live-in care giver. Someone who will live in the second bedroom for free in exchange for helping me throughout the week...like with all the juicing, meals and helping with a few chores. I wonder if someone would/could go for that. It would be amazing if they did. Also, I need to keep in mind that since I'm now labeled permanently disabled, I can reapply for SSDI and IHSS which will help me to increase my income (or at least not use so much of my pension) and help pay for my care giver (which is costing me more than I can already afford) respectively. If I get SSDI, then I automatically qualify for IHSS. However, that is a very long process and I need to apply for both ASAP. The SSDI I just need to call and modify my previous application and see what happens. The IHSS is a little different...I need to apply and then they send a Social Worker to review my situation and see what I qualify for and what I really need. It would be a true blessing if I could get some assistance in paying for the caregiver. As it stands, I pay about half of my monthly pension to get the caregiver but really am not even getting as much time and help as I really need. I'll give an update as I have any information to provide.
Well, I need to get going for now. I have some things to take care of before I head out. Also, I would like to wash my car today. I think I drove it through a car wash once since September when I bought it...and haven't washed or dusted it since. Oddly enough, it looks pretty dang good. I would just like to get it done for myself. Like a little treat. Sometime before next week, I would like it done.
Have a great day to everyone who reads this. So far I have people reading from the US, Canada, Germany, Poland, Russia, South Korea and I'm not sure where else but I'm hoping this is helping someone or at least providing some advise on what you expect.
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Only a couple of days left until the end of this month. I wish I could say its gotten easier but I'm really not so sure. It's more routine and I just accept it more, but there are some serious struggles. Most of the time I'm sure I'm creating more drama than necessary. I want to stay up late and choose not to get enough rest. I want to go out and have fun and choose not to take it easy. I want to (fill in your own blank) but I choose to (fill in blank again). It's really the internal Rebecca that is fighting this all and making it all a bit more challenging than it needs to be.
It's also been very stressful not to have the support I truly need. I do have support and I get a lot from those family and friends around me. Don't get me wrong. This therapy is very intense. It requires lots of help, lots of money and resources and a fighting spirit. It requires you to lean on those around you. Whether you have to learn that it's okay to lean (like in my case) or those around you are used to leaning on you (also in my case) it's not easy. It's not easy to speak up and say what you need, even when you don't really want it but know you need it.
Overall, it's been a great experience for me. Oh, it's not all great. This week I had a particularly hard time for 2 or 3 days. I try not to dwell on it, but I hate how it effects those around me. I was moody and just emotionally drained. I kind of wanted everyone to just go away and let me live in bed in this dark room. I woke up with the worst cold sore of my life (I get the same dang one every time I get stressed out too bad...whether it's emotionally, physically or mentally, doesn't seem to matter) and then I just felt really depressed for two days. I couldn't snap out of it and there was no real reason for it. I swear, if I didn't read it in the book and experience it a time or two before (during therapy) I would have really thought something was wrong with me.
For the cold sore, I was really proud of myself. Well, at first I did the regular routine that never really seems to help. I used Abreva and Campopheniq (sp?). It just got worse. Then I remembered the red clay I bought for clay wraps to help with healing. I thought about it and decided to make a little paste and put it on my lip...what could the harm be? Well, it's weird trying to conduct life with a weird, crusty glob of something on your lip. I did it. I think most people saw it, but didn't dare ask and I wasn't about to acknowledge it and open up the conversation about what was on my face. YIKES! Anyway, I left it on for 24 hours straight and this morning it seemed so much better. Now I am letting it kind of air out a bit and create a little dry scab before deciding whether to reapply some more clay paste to the wound. This stuff is amazing.
I've also still been getting really dizzy. I seem to be getting it rather often when I'm having some personal time with my boyfriend. It's a bit distracting and annoying. I'm really praying that it doesn't make me throw up...that's a mood killer! LOL But seriously, I try to just let it pass and it always does after some time. I cannot wait until those dizzy spells are long gone for good.
This week I have been pretty good about taking all of my pills on time. I'm proud of myself because with staying at Kevin's house most nights I often forget to take some of my pills, or I forget to have some food so I can take them. Also, I've been getting 3-4 enemas a day. I'm trying to bump it up to 4-5 but my anus is just bothering me too much...I think it needs to build up some calluses or something. It's driving me nuts to have a butthole in pain and or itching from healing. ARG! But, it's thats the worst of it, well I think I'm doing okay for now.
Well, I need to go to the restroom again and get some more rest. Kevin will be over later and I haven't even given it any real thought as to what I will try to feed him for dinner...I was so good this week about making him dinners and packing his lunch for the next day. Today I am drawing a blank and don't seem to have the energy to either focus or do anything to prepare. Eh, we will see how it goes.
